I have a question of cosmic proportions that has troubled my mind now for quite some time. One of those questions that reach deep into the core of one's being and shapes the very essence of existence.

It's occupied my conscious thought now for quite some time, and eats away at what would normally be my most creative efforts, leaving me both troubled and weary from the eternal struggle.

Perhaps one of you out there can help me answer this question – but that's like hoping for an answer to the unanswerable.

Just where in the hell do they keep these Girls Gone Wild?

I do have a clue, for what it's worth, but even that does not answer the question. I figured you could find them by following Snoop Dog, but who could stand following HIM around?

Oh, where are those halcyon days when all I had to ponder were questions like:

Can they really put hair in a can?

How many times am I going to WANT to cut a hammer with a ginsu knife?

When was the last time I asked myself -- ``They can put a man on the moon, why can't they put a fishing pole in my glove compartment?'

A vacuum cleaner AND a set of hair clippers – how can the Nobel committee overlook something this fantastic?

If a kid can grow a beanstalk to the sky with just a handful of beans, why can't my ex-wife grow boobs with a pill?

Wouldn't my life be happier and easier if I could suck the air out of my jar of marshmallows?

Where would all those songs I've tried to get out of my head for decades be without Ronco?

Isn't it great that Jennilee Harrison can go buy foreclosure property after getting screwed on Three's Company?

and most all: Hey, I can make a fortune by placing little classified ads in every newspaper in the English-speaking world? What a country!

So, if you have an answer to my most troubling question, please pass it along to me. I mean, I really am staying up nights trying to find the answer.

Then again, if I wasn't staying up nights I wouldn't be asking the question.

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