Roast Me, Baby

I was supposed to be at a combination birthday party/birthday roast last night, but a district gymnastics meet I was covering lasted much, much longer than one would ever expect a gymnastics meet to last. Between the events and figuring out who qualified for a regional meet next weekend, it took a computer, a calculator and a couple slide rules working overtime.

My brother, B, the cop, is getting married in a couple months, and the party was for his fiancé, C, who turns 50 – 50 Years Old -- today, and my brother brought together family and friends to share some food, some wine, and some embarrassing memories, not necessarily in that order. All in a most loving way, of course.

I feel bad that I missed it, but I warned them ahead of time that sporting events have a wonderful way of expanding to fill every available second between the scheduled start time and my deadline. That's my Sporting Event Theory of Relativity.

Before I share what would have been my roast, I must give you some background.

C is one of the nicest people I know. She's a former Navy nurse who has traveled throughout the Pacific Rim at a number of bases. She's a former deputy coroner for Spokane County. Now she works as a nurse at the local hospital for the mentally disturbed – working in the criminal wing, where bad people are sent for psychiatric evaluation before trial. That means she works with a lot of not nice people. Which makes for a very interesting contrast.

B is my younger brother (if you're counting, and we both know you are, that means he's marrying an older woman). He started out managing a credit union and decided that it was interesting enough work for him, so he joined the Sheriff's Department. After a stint in a patrol car, he went to work in the K-9 Division, where had a beautiful German shepherd as a partner. The dog was imported from Czechoslovakia, apparently downwind from Chernobyl, and he died young from canine leukemia about four years ago – two years later he divorced.

My brother loved his dog, who was named Dick. Yes, my brother caught a lot of shit from his coworkers about having a dog named Dick, and I, for the most part, tried to avoid passing along every joke about it – knowing that he'd already heard them all.

But, considering the situation, I thought it might be a good warning to all of these people, who, for the most part, were just getting to know my brother.

Herewith is the essence of my ``Roast.''

So, C, here you are – 50 years old and getting married for the first time to my baby brother. That's a little like saving up for a lifetime to go on a Hawaiian cruise and then boarding the S.S. Minnow.

For those of you who don't know, the guy you're marrying wasn't always a D.A.R.E. officer and a budding detective. He used to work with a real dog. No – I mean a REAL Dog – Dick. You've seen the picture – he shows it to everyone. He even carries it in his wallet – it's the picture right in front of yours, sweetheart.

As some of you know, Dick died a few years ago and that was a sad time for little brother, there.

However, I think it's only fitting that, at this time, I bring you up to speed a little bit on the relationship between my brother and his former partner. I give you: Things You Should Know About My Brother's Dick:

1. He used to take it out every night at work;
   
   
2. He used to keep it on a leash;
   
   
3. It was always up and ready for work;
   
   
4. It was always ravenous after a good night's work;
   
   
5. The thing it liked best at the end of the day was a bowl of kibble and to sleep on top of the house.
   
   
6. It would definitely bite;
   
   
7. He never took it on vacation;
   
   
8. It was trained to come on command;
   
   
9. It drooled;
   
   
10. Shockingly – he used to love going to schools and showing it to all the little children;
    
    
11. It would only respond if you spoke to it in Czech – so if, in the middle of the night, you hear him yell `Poost, poost damnit, phoey'' you know who he's talking to;
    
    
12. And most importantly to you, it's dead.
    
    

More soon.