fudd-gate, the laugh riot

Thank goodness for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. They weighed in Monday night. Here's a transcript. You can catch the whole thing on Crooks and Liars.

Jon Stewart: “Man, do you ever have a weekend and you think to yourself , I’m just sad. Nothing fun ever happens any more. Nothin’ really gets my blood goin’ – gets me excited to be alive again.’ Well, if you had one of those weekends, looky here and listen:”

News clip: “Vice-President Dick Cheney has accidentally shot a friend with whom he was hunting. . .”

Brian Williams, NBC: “Bird shot fired from the vice president’s weapon apparently wounded a fellow hunter.”

Stewart looks skyward and whispers ‘Thank you, Jesus.’

Stewart: “Yes, as you just heard, near tragedy over the weekend in South Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter’s ranch, making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton, of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington was mistaken for a bird.

“The other player in the drama, ranch owner and eye witness Katherine Armstrong:”

Armstrong: “We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice president and two others got out of the car to walk up the covey.”

Stewart: “What kind of hunting story begins with ‘getting out of your car?’”

In mock tones: “As I sighted the great beast before me, my hand was shaking – I could barely engage the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the AC and silenced my sub-woofers. And then, a tragedy.”

Armstrong: “A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at the bird, and, unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty well.”

Stewart: “Peppered. Yes, there you have it. Harry Whittington, seasoned to within an inch of his life. Peppered is what you do to a Caesar Salad. He shot that dude.

“Whittington was rushed to the hospital, where he received a very special visitor.”

Peter Blanco, hospital spokesman: “Vice President Cheney came by earlier this afternoon to meet with the patient for a brief period of time.”

Stewart: “How minimally thoughtful. (Imitating Cheney:) ‘How ya doin’? How are ya’? I peppered you pretty good, didn’t I.’

“This story certainly has its humorous aspects. It’s easy to make fun of an incident such as this. Very easy. UnBELIEVABLY easy. The kind of easy that makes you want to return your check. But also raises a serious issue. You see, I’m not JUST Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show with, you know, me. I’m also a concerned parent. So, moms and dads, if you’re watching right now, I can’t emphasize this enough: Don't let your kids go hunting with the Vice President. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted. He'll shoot them in the face.”

“But for more on the story, let’s go out to correspondent Ed Helms, who’s live from Corpus Christi, Texas. Ed?”

Ed Helms: “Jon, I’m here at the hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican fundraiser Harry Whittington is in stable condition after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during a weekend quail-hunting expedition. Doctors say he’s recovering quickly after being shot in the face by the vice president. I’ll be here all day with continuous coverage of how vice president Dick Cheney SHOT a 78-year-old man IN THE FACE, after he mistook him for a small bird.”

Stewart: “Ed, this Armstrong Ranch – what kind of facility is this?”

Helms: “It’s a private hunting ranch where the hunter drives up to the pen-raised birds. The hunter then gets out of his car, aims his .28-guage shotguns at slow-moving birds three feet away, and then the hunt is on.”

Stewart: “Ed, why would the vice president or hunters shoot at a facility with birds that have been raised in captivity and then just released to be killed?”

Helms: “As you know, the vice president has a big entourage: Secret Service and a full hospital detail including five paramedics, three cardiologists, two defibrillators, an iron lung, the cast of ER and that metal egg Darth Vader sleeps in. It’s a group that makes a lot of noise that could scare off your average quail. So they hunt pen-raised, witless quail with no wings in order to, you know, level the playing field.”

Moments later, Rob Corddry weighs in:

Stewart: “I’m joined now by our own vice presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, thanks for joining us. Obviously, Rob, this is an unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?”

Corddry: “Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face.”

Stewart: “But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird – if he had that information, why would he still have shot him in the face?”

Corddry: “Jon, good question. In a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.”

Stewart: “I have to say, to my ears, that is horrible that he would still do that.”

Corddry: “Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know "how" we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little "covey" of theirs.”

Stewart: “Rob, I'm not sure birds can laugh.”

Corddry: “Well, whatever it is they do -- coo -- they're cooing at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig’s up, Jon. Quails one, America zero.”

Stewart: “On a purely human level – on a human level – is the vice president at least sorry?”
Corddry: “Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in the man’s face. Let’s move forward, across party lines, as a people to get him some sort of mask. Hindsight is 20/20, Jon. As was, ironically, the shotgun the vice president used to shoot his friend, a 78-year-old man, in what can only be described as his face.”

Oh, by the way -- Whittington suffered a heart attack today. No doubt brought on by being shot. In the face. By the vice president. Who mistook him for a bird.

More soon.